“God courts us with the beauty of this world.”
Hafiz

Until recently, I had understood the skill of making an observation without an evaluation as a practical step to take in order to clear the way or “set the table” for the more important part of my communication which was the feelings, needs, and requests. I now see how observing something as it is without all of my ideas and evaluations is also a doorway into the present moment; the only place I can truly connect with another person. When I am in the present moment perceiving without the limitations of what I “know”, my observations open me to an experience of appreciation and wonder.

For example, before we were entrusted to care for children in a classroom setting, the students in our Montessori training program were first given something the trainers deemed more suitable for interns to experiment with – a lime. Every day, we would sit for 10 minutes with our lime in a quite place and observe. Then we wrote in our journals about all of the amazingly subtle changes that we were noticing – a dimple to the left of the brown crinkle was now a lighter shade of green, the scent was not as strong and fresh as before, the texture was rougher and drier, the dimples pulling toward each other as the lime’s moisture evaporated into the air.

To my surprise, the simple act of attending to an ordinary lime with all of my senses not only gave me an appreciation of the lime’s beauty, but also had the unexpected effect of bringing me to life as well. I was not on the outside thinking and analyzing; observing in a way that disconnected me from the present moment. I had the experience of participating in life by really being with something; I was enjoying the creative act of observing something with new eyes.

The process of caring for and loving children (or people of any age) is somewhat similar. I sometimes like to refer to children, especially the ones who are challenging for me, as “new limes” to remind myself that they are not the same people they were yesterday and how enjoyable and liberating it is to simply be with them as they are in this moment. Observing without evaluations also provides a mirror for children to see themselves as they are instead of as a reflection of who I am. As John Powell writes in his book, The Secret to Staying in Love: “We should judge our success in loving not by those who admire us for our accomplishments, but by the number of those who attribute their wholeness to our loving them, by the number of those who have seen their beauty in our eyes, heard their goodness acknowledged in the warmth of our voices.” This quality of observation and presence without evaluation allows children to reveal themselves to us as opposed to observations that keep both the observer and the observed in a mold of preconceived notions.

In his book A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle writes about how the moment you think you know something is the moment you have lost connection. He gives the example of how labeling something with a word such as “bird” often leads us to believe that we already know what that thing is. When we think we know something we often stop observing it. Contrary to what I had been brought up to believe in my culture, that knowledge = power, it is the openness of not knowing that provides the space for us to truly receive and be with another person.

For me, an essential part of living NVC as a spiritual practice is to continually increase my ability to discern when I am acting from a life-serving (partnership) consciousness from when I am acting from a life-alienating (domination) consciousness. Observations, like any of the other three steps (feelings, needs, requests), can be made from a domination or partnership consciousness. If I am acting from a domination consciousness, I make analytical observations that reinforce the view that I hold so that I can be right or can wield my power over someone. Often, this takes the form of building a case against someone so that others will agree with me.

If I am coming from a life-serving consciousness, I hold my observations not as facts, but as my perceptions, and I am open to how the other person perceives the same situation because my intention is on connection. I am aware that it is not what I observe, but how I perceive that merits most of my attention. The feelings that are stimulated in me often have little to do with what I am observing outside of myself and a lot to do with what I can observe inside myself.

For example, how am I thinking about what is happening? Do I resist what is with thoughts like, “This shouldn’t be happening! People should be more considerate! He will never change i.e. He is wrong/bad and should change!” etc.? What conscious or unconscious beliefs do I have about how life works and what humans are like? For example, “Life is a struggle”, “I am a victim”, “I’m not good enough / I don’t deserve…”, “There is not enough to go around”, etc…  These thoughts mediate my experience and thus prevent me from having a direct experience of life. To observe without evaluations is to experience life directly, to open our hearts to the life and wonder that is before us in the present moment.

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