“Observation without evaluation is the highest form of human intelligence.”

Krishnamurti

Observation - An observation is what we experience directly with our senses. What we hear, smell, touch, see and taste. An observation contains “just the facts”; what a video recorder with sound could record without any words that imply wrongness or judgments. When we observe without evaluation, we open ourselves to the other person’s experience. It opens us to questioning/wondering about what is alive in the other person instead of assuming that we know. If an observation is mixed with an evaluation others are likely to disagree, get defensive, or close down. A clear observation establishes a common ground, helps us remain open to clarification and serves to keep the doors to communication and connection open.

Observation mixed with and evaluation - An observation mixed with evaluation is how we think about or how we evaluate what we experience with our senses. Any words we use that imply wrongness of others are tragic expressions of unmet needs. They’re tragic because they don’t lead people to enjoy contributing to our well being, we aren’t likely to get our needs met, and we are more prone to violence.

Examples:
Observation mixed with an evaluation: “You are always late!”
Observation: “When you arrive 30 minutes after the time that we agreed upon I feel…”

Observation mixed with an evaluation: “Sandra is such a nice person.”
Observation: When Sandra helps me clean up after a party and invites me for coffee afterwards I feel…”

If I don’t begin with an observation, I often end up in a discussion over what happened rather than in connection. Precision in making an observation serves as a reminder to me that my perceptions are often different than the perceptions of others. For example, the difference between, “When you said…” and “When I heard you say…” reminds me that sometimes I don’t hear things accurately so I want to check it out with the other person. Precise observations keep me from making assumptions that may lead to defensiveness and disconnection. For example, “I see that you left your scooter on the sidewalk” might be met with “No, that was Lucia who left it there!” “I see your scooter on the sidewalk” is something that we can both agree upon and leads to further connection. One common pitfall in stating an observation is to use the following words: never, always, excessively, too much, all the time, and a lot. These words beg debate instead of connection.

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