Thank you to Miki Kashtan for contributing so much to my understanding of this topic. If you would like to read an article by Miki on the topic of transforming power relations click here.

Power defined from an NVC perspective: the capacity to mobilize resources to meet needs. In this definition it is clear that we all have a need for power. It also shows how important it is to make requests because requests are a way to mobilize our power to meet needs.

It is common for people to have a negative connotation with the word power. I believe that this is because they have had plenty of experiences of power being used in a way that increases disconnection and pain i.e. using power over other people. Given the above definition, power is the means to live your values and manifest them in the world - power is about how you mobilize resources to meet your needs and the needs of others.  Said another way, when you are connected to your need for ______what requests will you make of yourself and others to meet that need?

Power defined from a Domination System perspective -Power over - Once I mobilize resources to meet needs, I can do it in a way that does not consider if your needs are getting met or not. Perhaps I am not taking action to prevent you from getting your needs met, but I am not actively seeking for you to get your needs met.  Power over is usually exemplified by demands.

Power over is not a position that you have but a choice that you make in how you use your power. For example, parents have power that their children don’t have in the sense that they have access to certain resources that their children do not have. You can use these resources over your children or you can use these resources with your children. Power over isn’t something that you have.

Power with – To meet as many needs as possible, my own, as well as yours as well as other life forms, increasing my capacity in a way that increases everybody’s capacity to meet needs– exemplified by requests.

Power With

  • The needs of all people involved matter. It is inclusive; there is a spirit of partnership. In valuing everyone’s needs, I am much more likely to meet needs for consideration, respect, belonging, and care.
  • I include others in the decision.
  • Power with is based on connection and mutually valuing one’s own and another’s needs. The quality of my connection is where I have my power.

Power Over

  • There is a spirit of my own needs matter over other’s needs. It is much more exclusive and hierarchical.
  • I decide alone what is best and right.
  • Power over people originates in right/wrong, good/bad thinking e.g. “I know what is right and best, so in order to save time, just do what I say.” When I have a single-mindedness of purpose (as opposed to valuing my needs as much as the other person’s needs) I lose power with the other person.

Words found on the CNVC needs list can be used in both a power over or power with consciousness. For example, the word “respect” can be said with a power over consciousness when it is used more as a strategy than a need as in “I want respect” when the meaning in one’s mind and heart is “I want YOU to give me respect because you are so disrespectful.” In a power with consciousness, this word is used in the spirit of wanting respect not just for myself, but for EVERYONE involved in the situation.

Power over consciousness is often manifested in trying to manage the behavior of others to fit a set of expectations that I make. Phrases such as you have to, just do it because I said so, you must, and people should are often backed up with punishments and rewards.